Style demonstration

Style demonstration

Original Version

The invention of the typewriter is inextricably linked to the rise of business since the typewriter is instantly changing how business is conducted. Similarly, social aspect has been increased at the workplace by the development of the new keyboard layouts such as the QWERTY and Dvorak alignments (Dorit, 2009). In fact, typewriting has come of age simultaneously as the rise of women in the workplace. It was not just the use of the keyboard that facilitated women to find work nonetheless the keyboard was instrumental in creating an opportunity for women to get. The Census Bureau listed that more than 80% of the typists were female by 1920 (Leiva et al., 2015, April). Women had been in the workplaces as secretaries just performing clerical work nevertheless the rise of the keyboard usage depicted new skills as well as new responsibilities in these roles. In consequence, shorthand and typing become indispensable. Indeed, the growth of the QWERTY keyboard layout in the workplace implied that the job of the secretary transformed from being unskilled to a skilled post (Dorit, 2009).

Revised Version

1.The invention of the typewriter has a link to the rise of business since the typewriter is instantly changing how business is conducted. 2.Indeed, the development of typewriters and eventually keyboards was as a result of business needs, for instance, efficient communication.  3.The development of the new keyboard layouts such as the QWERTY and Dvorak alignments increased a variety of social aspects. 4.Intrinsically, typewriting has come of age simultaneously as the rise of youth especially women in the workplace. 5.It was not just the use of the keyboard that facilitated youths to find work nonetheless the keyboard was instrumental in creating an opportunity for youths to get. 6.For example, the Census Bureau listed that more than 80% of the typists were youths by 1920 (Leiva et al., 2015, April). 7.Meanwhile, clerical work and secretaries in the workplaces had left for youths for a long time but the rise of the keyboard usage depicted new skills as well as new responsibilities in these roles. 8.In consequence, shorthand and typing become indispensable. 9.Lastly, the growth of the QWERTY keyboard layout in the workplace implied that the job of the secretary transformed from being unskilled to a skilled post (Dorit, 2009).

Rationale

Sentence 1: This phrase (has a link) is used to change part of this sentence from passive voice to active voice. Also it builds cohesion of the two phrases in the sentence. The word inextricably is removed the sentence since it has no great significance in the sentence structure and as such its removal does not affect the meaning of the whole sentence or the message of the entire paragraph. The use of the word (has) is a proper verb choice which represent a helping verb as well as the act of possession of its kind.

Sentence 2: This is a new statement (Indeed, the development of typewriters and eventually keyboards was as a result of business needs, for instance, efficient communication) which is added from the original version. This sentence is added to provide more details about the reason why typewriters and the keyboards were developed. An example (efficient communication) is provided as well as making it more specific about the business needs. Also, the sentence emphasizes on the major ideas of the prompt. These commas (…, for instance,) are used to prevent syntax errors in the sentence construction.

Sentence 3: The sentence structure is changed so as to bring up a sense of transition from the previous statement. These words (has been) are removed from the sentence to transit from passive voice to active voice. Besides, the word (Similarly) is removed from the sentence because it has no significance in the sentence structure especially after new organization. Addition of these words (a variety of social aspects) try to depict that they are many social aspects that are at workplace where the development of typewriters as well as new keyboards can advance. Generally, the sentence becomes a simple and clear sentence after revising it and shows a perfect transition.

Sentence 4: This sentence is modified to remove syntax errors as well as gender issue. This phrase (in fact) seems archaic and that is why it has to be removed to avoid issues of syntax errors. Archaic phrases can make the prompt to be boring for the reader who is interested in get new ideas. The term youth is introduced in the sentence to solve gender issues within the sentence which seems to focus mostly on women. Again the term especially is applied for emphasis to prove that the use of typewriting increases the number of women in the workplace. At the same time the word ‘women’ is used as an example just to show the larger percentage of the gender that has benefited.

Sentence 5: The sentence is revised to show that the prompt is not focused on women to eliminate gender disparity in the sentence. The introduction of the term youth is meant to serve the same purpose.

Sentence 6: The phrase for example is added to the sentence to bring up a perfect transition from the previous sentence. The comma is used to remove syntax error from the sentence.

Sentence 7: The sentence is reorganized to make the phrases simple to relate and understand. The term women is removed because of gender issue. Nevertheless is not used in the revision since the term but is a good replacement. Meanwhile is only used for the sake of perfect connection of the sentences.

Sentence 8: The sentence is short and clear hence there is no need of revising it.

Sentence 9: The sentence serves as the closing sentence topic and needs to conclude the whole paragraph as well as transit from this paragraph to the next one. The term lastly is meant to be a conclusion which is much better than using indeed, which is basically meant to add emphasis or add more information to the prompt. The rest of the sentence is correct and no revision should be done to them.

Generally, revision of the paragraph was meant to make sentences simple and clear for better understanding which makes the reader to get easy time of going through the prompt. Besides, the revision is based on ensuring that the gender issue is checked to dispel any form of discrimination in the prompt. Moreover, syntax errors are removed and sentence connectors are perfectly used. The choice of words is correctly applied in the paragraph to avoid issues of complexity and ambiguity. Sentences are added to the prompt just to add emphasis and provide more details that can be specific to the prompt. It also helps in achieving a good transition from statement to another statement. The rationale is great because it tries to provide an explanation and description of the extent of revision of the prompt. However, all the writing styles are not incorporated in the revision since some of them are perhaps not necessary at some point in the prompt. And it is prudent to apply the writing styles which perfectly fit in the sentence structure.

What to do craft a detailed revision plan on style demonstration(500 words).  What do you intend to do to get this draft polished and ready to submit?  In what order will you do those things? What resources will you use to help you revise? Etc. Your note can be a couple of paragraphs, a numbered list, or some other form, but it should be VERY SPECIFIC and detailed. Your grade for participating in the workshop is based primarily on the quality of your revision plan.

Below is feedbacks from my classmates.

Yes, it is always good to ensure that academic work is written in an active voice. However, the first sentence of the revised version sounds incorrect. I think it would have been better if it sounds like, the invention of the typewriters is linked instead of has a link.

The paper is great and gives a concrete connection between women and the secretariat duties. However, there is still no clear reasons why women and not men were favored by the introduction of the machines. Issues regarding skills and capabilities could have been a better source of clarity.

You need to learn to use words interchangeably and avoid making the story repetitive and dilute. Like in sentence five, there is the repetition of the words development and youths. Replacing words with their synonyms makes it interesting to read

The rationale is well-written as it gives an explanation from sentence to the other. Only that it misses the flow that is necessary for any good essay.


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